So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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