Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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