I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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