i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
