she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
