Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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