I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
