Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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