It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize