I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
