Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
