He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
