Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize