I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
