My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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