my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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