I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I stole a fireplace last night.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
