non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
