Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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