My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
