i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
