so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
