After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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