ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize