i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
