I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
