Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
