If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Randomize
