Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
