I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
