my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The best revenge is premature balding
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Randomize
