dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
