The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
