I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
