Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
my sisters under your porch take her home
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
