He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
