I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
