Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
