I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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