my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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