Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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