you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
