put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
