I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
