the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
