you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
