Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
