I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
