Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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