I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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