I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I need to stop coming to work sober
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
