I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
