No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
