Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize