I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
