I wish my penis had an off switch
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
