I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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