i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
