well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
