My liver just broke up with me...
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
