I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
