i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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