I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
