I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
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