anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
